Picture © The Open University

Exercise 8 is all about editing practise.  I am given a piece of work and asked to edit it using the following prompts:

• What really matters about this scene?
• What ‘adds’ something to the scene?
• What merely adds confusion, detracting from the main point?

The original and edited texts are below.  have a read and let me know your thoughts in the comments…

 

Original text:

The heavy black and blue winter sky groaned awfully with rain clouds that at any moment were really about to fall crashing heavily down upon the street where, because it was rush hour, so many people, wearing all manner of different clothes, hats, shoes, boots, some of them carrying bags, suitcases, briefcases, scampered and strolled about the place as though oblivious to what was just about to happen over their very heads. One of these people was called Hilary and concealed inside her voluminous coat she carried the loaded, snub-nosed gun, and she also seemed to be the only one looking upwards into the tempestuous thundery heavens.

 

My edit:

Rush hour.  The tumultuous crowd was heaving to and fro, creating a throng around Hilary.  Being bumped with the occasional “sorry” or “what are you doing?” didn’t dismay her.  Not even when people tripped over the bottom of her coat.  She found that a little funny.  If only they knew what was hidden underneath.  Looking up, Hilary felt completely alone for a moment, gathering her thoughts as she watched the beginnings of the thunderstorm. Cautiously, she checked the fully loaded snub-nosed gun was still inside her coat.